Choosing my own company

How I learned to stop being scared of being alone

I used to be the kind of person that hated being alone even for a short amount of time. I would always try to surround myself with people or, if that wasn’t possible, constantly be in contact with people so I didn’t feel alone. I also used to say that one of my biggest fears was being alone. in hindsight I can see that those feelings came from not having a good relationship with myself. When I was younger there were an awful lot of things about myself that I didn’t like and being alone with myself forced me to confront those things. That was uncomfortable for me and so I chose, instead, to avoid avoid avoid (so healthy).

When I left home for uni I spent my entire first year pretty much living alone and it may have been one of the hardest years of my life. To add to the fact that I had left home for the first time and moved to a new city where I knew basically no one (apart from my best friend from school, without whom my life would be so unimaginably different to how it is today), I was also dealing with living alone for the first time. I could no longer go into the kitchen for a chat or watch telly with someone in the evenings. I had never felt so alone in my life and I almost completely retreated within myself. If I didn’t have something on that I had to go to, I would often not leave my room. Sometimes I would stay in my room even if I did have something to go.

Obviously I was 18, I was young, I was enjoying my new-found freedom. Which, for me, understandably meant going on nights out at least 3 times a week if not more. Although it was fantastic, being in a near constant state of hangover did little to improve my mental health. It certainly didn’t encourage me to even get out of bed let alone work on my relationship with myself.

Luckily, in the years between then and now (which I would prefer not to have to count) I have been forced to spend so much time with just myself that I was pushed into deciding that I couldn’t see myself that way anymore. As bad company. Because I wasn’t bad company, I just didn’t understand myself. If I’m being honest, I didn’t really like myself. I often found myself planning my time down to the minute to make sure I was always busy and never had a second to stop and think about how much I hated being alone. I remember one time I was left in my flat alone for a week because my flatmates were all away. I couldn’t even make it through a day without having a breakdown to my parents over the phone and booking a last-minute train home for the following morning. I think that might have been a bit of a turning point for me.

The fact that I couldn’t face that amount of time on my own and ended up spending more money than I care to think about in order to get out of it. It felt too dramatic, too expensive, and, for me, slightly ridiculous. Since then, I have worked so hard on learning to like myself. Starting with small things until I felt comfortable confronting the idea of loving myself as well. Just small changes that made a big difference. Like smiling at myself every time I looked in a mirror. Dressing up even if I wasn’t going anywhere. Taking the time to think about why I felt the way I felt. Not necessarily fixing things, just not avoiding them anymore. And slowly, very slowly, I felt myself change.

Now I’ve taken that fear of being alone and reframed it as a fear of being lonely. Because being alone and being lonely are two very different things. And, if I’m being honest, as long as I have myself I never really feel lonely, which is a really beautiful place to be in life. The more time I spent with just myself, the easier it got. I evolved first to simply not having to plan every single second just to keep myself distracted. Then I began to enjoy my time alone. And once I was comfortable with myself at home, I started working on being comfortable with myself in public.

I don’t think I’m the only one to ever feel that if I leave the house alone it has to be for some kind of purpose – to go to the shops, to get a coffee, to walk the dog, to go for a run. I would always find some kind of task to get myself out of the house. ‘I need to grab this from the shops which means I can do a little walk and go by the shops on my way home.’ A trip out had to have a purpose or direction otherwise I felt silly. Don’t even get me started on walking down the street and realising you’ve gone the wrong way and going through a whole ‘stop, check the phone, pretend you’ve realised something, turn around’ façade. Really, honestly, who cares if you just stop, turn around, and start going the other way.

Working on being comfortable being out and about with just myself was, I think for me, the hardest step. Being comfortable with just myself for company at home was one thing, but out and about I felt the pressure of a thousand prying eyes on me which almost made me feel as though I’d taken a step backwards. Of course, I hadn’t, and I wasn’t going to let this stumbling block stop me completely. It was then that I really realised one very important thing: no one else is actually that bothered about what you’re doing. It didn’t matter what I did because no one else was interested. The people I walked past didn’t know whether I was going to the shops because I needed something or whether I was on my way somewhere or whether I was just out for a walk because I wanted to go. And, more importantly, they didn’t care. I could do whatever I wanted. I had a good long look at my fear and found that it was actually freedom.

I’m now very proud to say that I genuinely enjoy my own company, rather than simply tolerating it. The last step that cemented this for me was learning to enjoy dining alone. In the past year this is something that I have every much come to love. I don’t care if other people think that I look stupid, or that I have no friends, or that I’ve been stood up. I’m on a date with myself and the only person I’m interested in is me. I will happily go to a restaurant or a pub or a café or a bar and sit entirely alone and enjoy a meal or a drink or whatever tickles my fancy. I might read a book or I might even be really creepy and just sit taking in my surroundings. I’ll go on a walk just for the hell of it. I’ll go to the pub because I fancy a drink. I’ll sit on a park bench and read because I wanted some sunlight and fresh air.

I especially love doing these things in an unfamiliar place, when I’m travelling abroad or travelling at home. I love to wander. To go down a side street because it looks interesting. To get lost and find my way again. To stop for a drink because I’m thirsty. To have a bite to eat because that restaurant looked really nice.

I’m all about the small things in life. The simple pleasures. If I can enjoy all these things with just myself for company, that makes me a pretty lucky person.

Don’t tell my partner this though, he might feel a little offended.

Lib Howden

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